Over the years, I’ve stumbled upon some remarkable teachers. Not because I’ve consciously gone looking for them - but at the right moment in my personal development, the right teacher has always appeared, and opened up a new perspective or deepened my understanding about something meaningful . As Buddha rightly said, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. And appear they do. Over and over.
My current teacher has come in the delightful form of Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame. As well as loving him on the show, and revelling in his effusive enthusiasm for the people he transforms, I’m also having a great time exploring his podcast, in which he ‘gets curious’ about all manner of topics - going way beyond his focus on hair and beauty in the tv show. It is a complete treat to listen to, and I’ve found myself engaging with topics I’d never given much thought to.
His curiosity is contagious. It’s bright and alive and open, and witnessing his desire to know more makes me want to know more. His guests come alive as he digs deep into their knowledge and peppers the conversation with positive acknowledgements that are sincere and heart felt. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.
He is, in short, the ultimate life coach, and he reminds me why I love what I do, and why it works.
He demonstrates how transformative connection and recognition are, and highlights how out of practice we adults are at showering one another with praise, and naming the beauty we witness in one another. Doing this generously and wholeheartedly can be viewed almost suspiciously, and so often we’re much more comfortable naming the weaknesses we perceive in ourselves and others than we are speaking to and celebrating our unique magnificence.
But as Queer Eye and JVN’s podcast demonstrate beautifully, when we are seen and acknowledged, we bloom. Like a plant being watered at the end of a hot and sunny day, our metaphorical petals open up to receive the sustenance we’ve been longing for. Our posture improves, we breathe differently, and most significantly of all, the way we see ourselves evolves. It’s as if a light’s been switched on, and we suddenly see ourselves in full colour again. We come into sharper focus, and we realise, even just for a moment, what we’re capable of. Being witnessed in this way is a game changer.
However, as I so often see in my coaching work, receiving and (more significantly) believing compliments is a skill set we often lack - an under used muscle that feels awkward at first. I often encourage clients to practice saying the words “thank you” and nothing else after I give them an acknowledgement. Because, so often, our instinct is to brush off the compliment as unnecessary, or misplaced. To laugh, or try and explain why the person complimenting you is wrong to think you’re awesome.
Somewhere along the line, we’ve collectively decided that this is the ‘correct’ response to a compliment - probably an attempt at being humble, or avoiding egotism. And as a result, we miss out on absorbing the nutrients offered to our parched souls when someone offers an acknowledgement and names something they love about us.
When we simply say the words “thank you”, and nothing else, we buy ourselves a moment to let it sink in. It gives us a valuable opportunity to pause and reflect on the gift that has been offered. You wouldn’t dream of throwing a birthday present in the bin in front of the person who gave it to you, yet we do it all the time in the face of a spoken positive affirmation.
My encouragement to you: next time someone compliments you, JVN-style, drink it in. Allow your very being to absorb all the goodness it represents. Say “thank you” and zip it. Give yourself a moment to consider that they might just be right. Put down your self-deprecating armour, and let the love in. Allow yourself that moment. And then do it again. And again. I promise, you won’t turn into an ego-maniacal monster. But you might start believing what you hear, and enjoying some precious moments of self appreciation.